Tuesday, 21 November 2017

My Problem With Weight

My Problem With Weight

Disclaimer: I am not claiming to have an eating disorder nor am I condescending what an eating disorder is. I am giving my own account of my problem with weight and it is my views only.

I won't be alone in thinking "I could be thinner, I could be more toned, I could do with going to the gym more" but apart from the regular thoughts (after eating one too many cakes) when do we admit that our weight issues aren't just a battle but a problem?

I've accepted that I'll never be a petite small framed girl (aka Ariana Grande), however, I definitely wouldn't mind losing a few pounds and becoming a dedicated gym goer. But after feeling comfortable in my skin and accepting myself earlier this year, I started to feel a change around 2/3 months ago in my progress. 


After going through a stressful period my usual love for food and snacking had dissipated and I started to lose weight. I didn't intentionally stop eating, I just became so stressed out that eating regular meals was the last thing on my mind, so I began skipping meals and completely cut out snacks. 
   Over the weeks that followed I was met with greetings such as "You've lost weight!" or "You're looking skinny!" Which at the time made me feel elated, was I skinnier? Did I look better? I would be lying if I said I wasn't over the moon with these comments.

I started seeing a change in myself a few weeks after everyone else did, although, I didn't necessarily feel the change made me feel happier. Yet, I felt obliged to hold onto it like a medal. After the stress had lessened I began to get my appetite back and eat more regularly. I noticed I had lost my usual cravings (which I was happy with as I was definitely eating a few too many biscuits beforehand) but a new sense of guilt was creeping in... 


I did start to see a new anxiety appearing which surrounded food. I would consider missing lunch if I knew my tea would be an unhealthy one, or I would purposefully leave food on my plate to reassure myself I hadn't been a "pig" by eating it all. I desperately wanted the comments of approval such as "You're skinny" and felt I had lost my medal of weight loss since gaining my appetite back (even though I hadn't gained weight). Had I actually become addicted to feeling hungry, losing weight and hearing comments on my weight? 

I knew this wasn't something I wanted to take over my life but I can't help feeling a mixture of social media, "skinny" comments and guilt were pushing me into a weight loss problem. Seeing girls all over Instagram with goddess bodies receiving 1,000 likes on each post definitely takes it toll after a while, even if you consider yourself hard skinned to it all. 

  The comments of being skinnier should not have influenced me to feel good and I should have challenged the person making that comment as to why they thought it was appropriate to say it so casually and almost complimentary. You wouldnt say "You're looking fat" or "You've gained weight" in a casual conversation... So why do the opposite when telling someone they're skinnier? 


  As for guilt - it is a problem I have tried to solve since puberty. Guilt can be a wonderful thing that stops you polishing off the entire packet of milk digestives (sometimes I wish guilt would come into place when I decide a "family bag" of crisps means me, myself and I). However, guilt creeping in over having your 3 meals a day or treating yourself to a bar of chocolate every once and a while needs to be stopped. These aren't things to feel guilty for.

   I'm slowly trying to tell myself a healthier lifestyle is something to feel proud of and missing meals or starving myself is not something to be proud of. I've taken a long break from social media the last few weeks because I needed to stop the endless circle of feeling good about myself, comparing myself to someone on social media, feeling unhappy with myself and so on. 
   It's the hardest battle to fight as its something that has always affected my life since I was 12 years old. However, instead of seeing my weight as a battle - something I could win or lose - I am addressing it as a problem, meaning there is a solution which is something I am determined to solve.

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